‘Our Jouney to Attract Love, Enjoy Intimacy and Have Money’
Attract Love, Intimacy, Money leads me to writing this book to help you create what you long for in your life and your relationships with love attraction. Through decades of study and experience I have developed an awareness and knowledge of principles that can enable you to fulfill your greatest dreams. When you understand and work with these principles, you can achieve what you want in your life. Without this information, you can waste a lot of precious time and energy and be far less likely to create the life you want. This book can help you understand and use these simple principles. It is the guide I wish someone had given to me over twenty-five years ago so that I did not have to learn the hard way many of my lessons about relationships.
I know the title “Attract Love, Intimacy & Money” is a little risky, but it is meant to state one of the important principles in this book: we Attract Love to us what really matters, what we feel passionate about. Consequently, it is important for us to be clear what we do want, and not to spend our time worrying about, and consequently attracting Love, rather than what we don’t want.
To work effectively with these principles you must first recognize in yourself limiting beliefs that you carry from your conditioning while growing up. These beliefs exist in all of us and we usually do not appreciate the impact they have on our lives. A limiting belief in scarcity rather than in abundance, for example, can convince us we will never have the love we seek or make enough money to be comfortable. To fill the void caused by this belief, we turn to food, drugs, and indiscriminate sex, harming our bodies as well as our relationships.
Another limiting belief is our tendency to believe in failure. We interpret a negative result as proof we have failed. We even think of ourselves as “failures.” Edison is said to have “failed” thousands of times in the course of inventing the light bulb. Yet he interpreted each “failure” as the feedback he needed to take the next step. The belief we are “failures” undermines our confidence, creating doubts that sap our determination. We impede our efforts to achieve the relationship and the goals we most desire thinking they are beyond our reach.
We often interpret the feedback in our relationships as failures rather than the information we need to succeed. Mary Elizabeth and I have experienced this in our own marriage. Feelings of “failure” during difficult times have sometimes threatened to overwhelm us, but our determination to succeed has led us to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work. You cannot fail unless you quit, and we were determined not to give up. “I Made It Through the Rain” became our favorite song.
Blaming our partner when there’s a problem in our relationships is part of our conditioning. Blaming relieves our guilt, but it prevents us from taking responsibility for what we can do. When we take responsibility for what is happening in our lives, we have the power to change. When we blame someone else, we give away our power.
T Attract Love, when we identify our conditioned beliefs we can replace them. Instead of buying into these limiting ideas we realize: 1) there is no such thing as failure, only feedback; 2) our world is one of abundance, not scarcity; and 3) blaming keeps us stuck in a rut and does not solve the problem. Suddenly you find your life improving with amazing speed.
In this book I address many limiting ideas which I call paradigms. Paradigms to Attract Love are deeply ingrained ways of thinking that have been handed down to us. They were meant to help and protect us but often do just the opposite. These paradigms stop us from growing and accomplishing our dreams and from becoming who we really are and want to be. I will show you how to identify the paradigms that Attract Love, and prevent you from growing and how to replace them with ideas that will help you grow.
Your first order of business is to change your limiting beliefs stopping your Attract Love powers,. Ideas are powerful. Our thoughts shape our lives and are living things we create. By the Law of Attraction, to Attract Love, we become what we think. Consequently, we need to become aware of what we think and believe. We need to focus our imaginations on bringing into our lives what we want, what fulfills us.
I wrote this book to share with you what helped us and the people my wife and I counseled and taught in workshops for more than twenty-five years. By sharing our experience in this journey to Attract Love I want to save you time and wasted effort.
Our ignorance is curable. By picking up this book, I know you were meant to use this information for your own growth. Nothing happens by chance. Through the power of attraction, to Attract Love, I was meant to connect with you– which is my main goal in writing this book. We are drawn to the ideas that help us accomplish our dreams.
This book is intended to help you advance your relationships. Through counseling and giving workshops I found that one partner is usually more eager to get counseling than the other. One is the “dragger” and the other the”dragee.” To the extent that the “dragee” does not come wholly of his or her own accord, there is a power struggle taking place over receiving help. To avoid this power struggle and to learn to work by the power of attraction, to Attract Love, I offer you this book.
Here is a rarely spoken reality: one person can change a relationship! In fact, relationships change one person at a time. Even when both members of a couple enter counseling, each has to make his or her own changes at their own speed. I have observed when one partner changes, the relationship changes. One partner changing has a powerful effect. The other partner is usually drawn to the improvements they see right in front of them, and wants to make similar changes in their own life. Change can pass from one partner to the other through attraction, to Attract Love, which is one of the most powerful forces in the world.
We experience the enormous power in attraction, to Attract Love, when we fall in love. A person who was once a stranger becomes our partner for life! We put them first in our life and create a family with them. If you have ever wanted to lose weight and run into a friend who has just lost several pounds, you know the power of attraction, to Attract Love,. You must find out what they did so you can do it too. When you meet someone who has accomplished the improvement you are seeking, the power of attraction virtually impels you to change. When you pursue your vision of your dream relationship, the power of attraction, to Attract Love, will be the wind in your sails.
The first four chapters of this book address common expectations people bring to their relationships. Each of us is unconsciously a missionary trying to change each other to be like our family of origin. We each are embedded with mindsets from home. Each of us, for example, knows the “right way” to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, or Ramadan. Most everything we learned growing up is different from what our partner was taught. No wonder the first year of marriage is full of conflict.
I discuss how we each need to learn to esteem ourselves rather than expect our partner to make us feel good about ourselves when we do not. Most relationships have conflicts over money, sex, children, and religion. In these chapters I discuss: 1) our confusion regarding selfishness and good self-care; 2) blaming conditions and circumstances for our problems; 3) loyalty conflicts between our spouse and our family of origin; and 4) conflicts between our family and our work. My goal is to help you identify and change the expectations and paradigms that are causing you and your partner trouble in your relationship.
In chapters 5 and 6 I present a model of the mind and explain how we develop paradigms in the subconscious mind. I instruct you how to recognize your paradigms, and how to replace them with new beliefs.
In chapters 7, 8, 9, and 10 I discuss conflicts that frequently create problems for partners. I help you recognize the power struggle over who’s in charge and who’s right. I define the differences and the typical conflicts between the Outward directed and the Inward directed personalities, and how these personality types contribute to the power struggle. Laacking awareness we play the roles of the Victim, the Offender, and the Rescuer through enacting the Drama Triangle in our relationships. We must identify these roles in the “War pyramid” or Drama Triangle to free ourselves from getting stuck in these dramas. By recognizing our part we can transform ourselves.
In chapter 11 I teach you about the development of boundaries, especially how to use “Safe Mode” communication when talking with your partner about difficult subjects. Intact boundaries are essential to developing a functional relationship that moves beyond the power struggle, comparisons, and the blame game.
Chapters 12 and 13 focus on using shame as a vehicle for growth. When falling in love we unconsciously select partners who have characteristics like our parents and early caretakers. Our partners unintentionally resemble our Inner Critic, our critical self-talk voice. I show you how to detach from and re-parent your Inner Critic to become self-accepting and free from shame.
Chapter 14 tells the story of a King who is in despair over wanting fairness, equality, and mutual respect in his kingdom. The healer he consults advises him that he must embody in himself the changes he wants for his people. The story tells how the King fulfills himself and becomes a source for change and hope in his kingdom.
Chapter 15 is about the growth of relationships through forgiveness, faith, will, and authenticity. Only when we are true to ourselves and accepting of our partner’s authenticity can we create true intimacy with a partner. Through being true to ourselves intimate relationships can become a powerful vehicle for growth. I want to help you achieve your dream relationship by developing your personal vision, purpose, and goals.
If you have a partner and you decide to work together using this book, your joint efforts will benefit you both and usually speed up changes in your relationship. You may still proceed at different speeds, and you will inevitably work in different ways just because you are two different people.
Some of you may decide it would work best for you to share your work with a good friend, someone with whom you feel safe and who may want to share their work with you too. It’s helpful to share your new awareness with someone you trust. You gain the benefit of added input from another person’s perspective. Another possibility is to do this work with a coach who will assist you by following up on the questions at the end of each chapter and will support you in your growth. Some people may choose to seek a professional therapist for this process.
It can also be helpful to form a small group. Generally I recommend eight people maximum. In such a group, people work together for the benefit of each member, and the shared intelligence of the group contributes to each person’s growth. You need to follow whichever of these ways works best for you, something only you will know. No matter which approach you choose, changing yourself is the most rewarding step you can take to fulfill your life.
Being sensitive to criticism:
Through the years I have become aware of my excessive sensitivity to criticism. In the past, I would allow one critical remark to cancel ten compliments. Occasionally, it struck me there was something decidedly irrational in my placing so much more weight on criticism than on praise. My thinking was skewed. I even believed that whoever was criticizing me was expressing truth, whereas those who were praising me were just trying to make me feel good.
I related my thinking to my parents’ model for raising children, which was to use criticism as a method to prod me and my siblings toward perfection. They were stingy with their praise. I grew up trying to please them by doing everything right just to avoid criticism. When I was criticized, I took it to heart. Now, when I reflect on this behavior, I realize it would have been much better for me had I just reversed my internal process by putting ten times more weight on each compliment than on one criticism! While growing up, I was unable to do that.
While we were dating, I felt loved and affirmed which, of course, drew me to our relationship. I wasn’t aware that I did not love myself, or even that I should love myself. My expectations for myself where high, and I was habitually self-critical. My self-esteem tended to rise and fall quite rapidly, like an elevator, from feeling inferior at one moment, to superior at another, and back again. Since I lacked a steady warm regard for myself, I at least had recognized it was important to bring someone into my life who approved of me.
I believe many people, like me, enter a relationship with the subconscious expectation that their partner will make them feel loved and respected, or, at a minimum, happier than they are by themselves. It’s often the unconscious bargain of the relationship: we assign our partner the task of making us feel approved of and loved, in return for our commitment to the partnership. We call this co-dependence.
Here is the problem with this expectation. It is not your partner’s job to make you feel loved or to make you happy. Loving ourselves or esteeming ourselves is our responsibility. We have to do it for ourselves. When someone else esteems or loves you, that is “other esteem.” When you depend on someone else to build you up or make you feel loved, you climb into the elevator with them and your feelings will go up and down according to their feelings about you.
The elevator will take you up and down in a similar way if you depend on accomplishments for your esteem. It’s like basing your self-esteem on your portfolio in the stock market. One day your stocks are up, and the next day, they’re down. You might be a millionaire one day and penniless the next – but you are still the same person. The only steady source of esteem and love comes from us. We have to be conscious of this fact and work at approval of ourselves by ourselves.
Nobody can make anyone else feel loved, and no one can make anyone else happy. We are all in charge of how loved we feel. If someone else loves you, but you don’t love yourself, you won’t accept their love. The same is true for approval. If someone else tries to make you happy, but you resist it, you won’t feel happy. Abe Lincoln accurately observed, “Most people are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
At times, I confused having positive self-esteem with pursuing ego gratifications. I thought that becoming rich or famous or powerful would bring me self-approval and positive regard for myself. In a society where we are obsessed with celebrities and how to become one, with how to become wealthy and the powerful, it is easy to lose one’s moral compass. Everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame, even if it is on You tube.
The price of satisfying our ego is that we do or say things that temporarily make us feel important but cost us positive regard for ourselves. We violate our sense of integrity in our pursuit to be rich, famous, or powerful. Our paradigms lead some of us to believe that power, wealth, and fame are the ultimate goals of life. I remember when I first started in psychiatry and had the opportunity to earn over five times more income by counseling inmates in the prison system. Needing the money to support my family, I was tempted. Fortunately, a wise mentor asked me to think about my current experience treating inmates one-half day a week and ask myself whether doing that same work full time would fulfill me. I quickly realized that it would not.
I have learned that the most important factor in my decision regarding anything I do is whether it will make me respect myself. If the answer is yes, I do it. If the answer is no, I don’t. There is nothing more important than your self-respect and your integrity. If you do anything that costs you your self-respect, you have paid the highest price a person can pay. To live with yourself twenty-four hours a day without respecting yourself undermines your character and integrity and your approval of yourself. Your self-image will instantly be affected by your lack of respect, and it will determine how you act. Dr. Maxwell Maltz who wrote “Psycho-Cybernetics” concluded: “We act, behave and feel according to what we consider our self-image to be and we do not deviate from this pattern.”
I learned that it is essential for me to be true to myself in whatever I do.